Marriage, Kids, and No Escape: A Husband’s Guide to Surviving Domestic Bliss (Barely)

Papa Dave

Sarcastic Sergeant

https://www.unrulystyle.com/

Writer of all things witty and humorous. Dive into my sarcastic sanctuary, entertain your brain and be prepared to stimulate your senses with the most outrageous collection of things we all secretly think, but don’t say out loud.

Let’s take a brutally honest look at what married (and family) life really look like - through the bloodshot, caffeine-fueled, occasionally horny eyes of a husband who once had dreams.

The Honeymoon Phase (AKA: The “We Still Shaved” Era)

Ah, the sweet early days. Everything was spontaneous - romantic weekends, wild sex, and arguments that ended in makeup sex (instead of separate Netflix accounts and legal threats). You left love notes, planned dates, and wore actual pants.

Back then, your biggest problem was whether to go to that cute tapas bar or just bang on the kitchen counter.

Now? Now it’s a miracle if you can get through an episode of Bluey without stepping on a LEGO landmine or being asked to explain where babies come from. (Spoiler: they come from regrettable decisions and two too many vodka sodas.)

Welcome to Parenthood: Where Sex Lives Go to Die

Sex after kids is like a government-funded road project - delayed, messy, and somehow involves cones.

You think you’ll still “find time”. You won’t. Your child’s bedtime is a moving target. And when they do finally fall asleep, you’ll lock eyes across the room, ready to pounce, only to hear that little demon scream, “I peed!” from the hallway.

And that, my friends, in case you wanted to know, is how you end up cleaning a mattress, with a boner.

Communication: Or Why You’re Always Wrong

Remember when you could speak freely? Yeah, don’t do that anymore.

In married life, communication means decoding sighs, understanding sarcasm as a second language, and answering “Do I look fat in this?” with a level of caution typically reserved for bomb defusal.

Oh, and for the love of all that is holy, never EVER say the words “calm down.”

You may as well start Googling divorce lawyers while icing your metaphorical balls.

Family Life: Like a Sitcom, But Everyone’s Tired and Cursing

Family dinners were supposed to be wholesome. Instead, they’re a chaotic blend of flying chicken nuggets, one kid crying because their spoon “looked at them weird,” and your wife glaring at you because you forgot to thaw the meat again.

Meanwhile, your in-laws just “popped by” for the third time this week and brought their dog that humps everything.

Pro tip: Just drink. It won’t solve anything, but it will make your kid’s third tantrum about “why farts aren’t allowed in the classroom” slightly more tolerable.

The Romance: Fading Like Your Favorite Hoodie

Romance changes in marriage. It goes from candlelit dinners to “Did you remember to buy my tampons?” and “Thanks for not letting me murder the children today.”

Your big romantic gestures now include watching a show she likes and not farting under the blanket.

Sometimes you surprise her with flowers. Sometimes she surprises you with Amazon packages that you definitely didn’t approve but paid for anyway. Marriage is give and take.

You give her your last slice of pizza, and she takes your will to live.

Gift-Giving for the Domestically Unstable (shameless plug)

Listen up, guys: traditional gifts won’t cut it anymore. You need something bold, inappropriate, and slightly offensive - like your marriage.

That’s where the legends at UnrulyStyle.com come in. Mugs that say, “World’s Okayest Husband.” T-shirts with enough sarcasm to start an argument at Thanksgiving. Jewelry that says, “I love you even though your Amazon orders are ruining us.”

Seriously, if you’re not shopping for her birthday on a site that proudly sells a necklace called The Naughty Knot, are you even trying?

Marriage Pro Tips from a Veteran of the Couch

Always say yes to sex. You won’t get it, but it’s important to stay optimistic.
Say “You’re right” often. Even when she’s clearly confusing Shark Tank with Live Sports.
Hide snacks. This is survival, not betrayal.
Never say, “My mom wouldn’t do it like that.” That’s how you end up sleeping with your mom. (ew, not that way asshole)
Tag her in memes. It's the modern love language.

Conclusion: Is It All Worth It? (Mostly, Yes.)

Look, married life with a family is loud, messy, exhausting, and at least 50% fart jokes. But there’s something weirdly beautiful about surviving the chaos together.

You’ll fight over stupid shit. You’ll both smell vaguely of Goldfish crackers and broken dreams. But when your kid laughs at one of your dad jokes, or your wife looks at you like you're not completely useless, you’ll remember why you signed up for this fucked up circus in the first place.

Now go hug your wife. Or spank them. Dealer’s choice.

Wanna spice up your doomed domestic bliss? Check out UnrulyStyle.com for gifts that say, “I love you, but also I want to slap your ass.” 💋

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Marriage, Kids, and No Escape: A Husband’s Guide to Surviving Domestic Bliss (Barely)

Let’s take a brutally honest look at what married (and family) life really look like - through the bloodshot, caffeine-fueled, occasionally horny eyes of a husband who once had dreams.

Ah, the sweet early days. Everything was spontaneous - romantic weekends, wild sex, and arguments that ended in makeup sex (instead of separate Netflix accounts and legal threats). You left love notes, planned dates, and wore actual pants.

Back then, your biggest problem was whether to go to that cute tapas bar or just bang on the kitchen counter.

Now? Now it’s a miracle if you can get through an episode of Bluey without stepping on a LEGO landmine or being asked to explain where babies come from. (Spoiler: they come from regrettable decisions and two too many vodka sodas.)

Sex after kids is like a government-funded road project - delayed, messy, and somehow involves cones.

You think you’ll still “find time”. You won’t. Your child’s bedtime is a moving target. And when they do finally fall asleep, you’ll lock eyes across the room, ready to pounce, only to hear that little demon scream, “I peed!” from the hallway.

And that, my friends, in case you wanted to know, is how you end up cleaning a mattress, with a boner.

Remember when you could speak freely? Yeah, don’t do that anymore.

In married life, communication means decoding sighs, understanding sarcasm as a second language, and answering “Do I look fat in this?” with a level of caution typically reserved for bomb defusal.

Oh, and for the love of all that is holy, never EVER say the words “calm down.”

You may as well start Googling divorce lawyers while icing your metaphorical balls.

Family dinners were supposed to be wholesome. Instead, they’re a chaotic blend of flying chicken nuggets, one kid crying because their spoon “looked at them weird,” and your wife glaring at you because you forgot to thaw the meat again.

Meanwhile, your in-laws just “popped by” for the third time this week and brought their dog that humps everything.

Pro tip: Just drink. It won’t solve anything, but it will make your kid’s third tantrum about “why farts aren’t allowed in the classroom” slightly more tolerable.

Romance changes in marriage. It goes from candlelit dinners to “Did you remember to buy my tampons?” and “Thanks for not letting me murder the children today.”

Your big romantic gestures now include watching a show she likes and not farting under the blanket.

Sometimes you surprise her with flowers. Sometimes she surprises you with Amazon packages that you definitely didn’t approve but paid for anyway. Marriage is give and take.

You give her your last slice of pizza, and she takes your will to live.

Listen up, guys: traditional gifts won’t cut it anymore. You need something bold, inappropriate, and slightly offensive - like your marriage.

That’s where the legends at UnrulyStyle.com come in. Mugs that say, “World’s Okayest Husband.” T-shirts with enough sarcasm to start an argument at Thanksgiving. Jewelry that says, “I love you even though your Amazon orders are ruining us.”

Seriously, if you’re not shopping for her birthday on a site that proudly sells a necklace called The Naughty Knot, are you even trying?

Look, married life with a family is loud, messy, exhausting, and at least 50% fart jokes. But there’s something weirdly beautiful about surviving the chaos together.

You’ll fight over stupid shit. You’ll both smell vaguely of Goldfish crackers and broken dreams. But when your kid laughs at one of your dad jokes, or your wife looks at you like you're not completely useless, you’ll remember why you signed up for this fucked up circus in the first place.

Now go hug your wife. Or spank them. Dealer’s choice.

Wanna spice up your doomed domestic bliss? Check out UnrulyStyle.com for gifts that say, “I love you, but also I want to slap your ass.” 💋

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Let’s take a brutally honest look at what married (and family) life really look like - through the bloodshot, caffeine-fueled, occasionally horny eyes of a husband who once had dreams.

Ah, the sweet early days. Everything was spontaneous - romantic weekends, wild sex, and arguments that ended in makeup sex (instead of separate Netflix accounts and legal threats). You left love notes, planned dates, and wore actual pants.

Back then, your biggest problem was whether to go to that cute tapas bar or just bang on the kitchen counter.

Now? Now it’s a miracle if you can get through an episode of Bluey without stepping on a LEGO landmine or being asked to explain where babies come from. (Spoiler: they come from regrettable decisions and two too many vodka sodas.)

Sex after kids is like a government-funded road project - delayed, messy, and somehow involves cones.

You think you’ll still “find time”. You won’t. Your child’s bedtime is a moving target. And when they do finally fall asleep, you’ll lock eyes across the room, ready to pounce, only to hear that little demon scream, “I peed!” from the hallway.

And that, my friends, in case you wanted to know, is how you end up cleaning a mattress, with a boner.

Remember when you could speak freely? Yeah, don’t do that anymore.

In married life, communication means decoding sighs, understanding sarcasm as a second language, and answering “Do I look fat in this?” with a level of caution typically reserved for bomb defusal.

Oh, and for the love of all that is holy, never EVER say the words “calm down.”

You may as well start Googling divorce lawyers while icing your metaphorical balls.

Family dinners were supposed to be wholesome. Instead, they’re a chaotic blend of flying chicken nuggets, one kid crying because their spoon “looked at them weird,” and your wife glaring at you because you forgot to thaw the meat again.

Meanwhile, your in-laws just “popped by” for the third time this week and brought their dog that humps everything.

Pro tip: Just drink. It won’t solve anything, but it will make your kid’s third tantrum about “why farts aren’t allowed in the classroom” slightly more tolerable.

Romance changes in marriage. It goes from candlelit dinners to “Did you remember to buy my tampons?” and “Thanks for not letting me murder the children today.”

Your big romantic gestures now include watching a show she likes and not farting under the blanket.

Sometimes you surprise her with flowers. Sometimes she surprises you with Amazon packages that you definitely didn’t approve but paid for anyway. Marriage is give and take.

You give her your last slice of pizza, and she takes your will to live.

Listen up, guys: traditional gifts won’t cut it anymore. You need something bold, inappropriate, and slightly offensive - like your marriage.

That’s where the legends at UnrulyStyle.com come in. Mugs that say, “World’s Okayest Husband.” T-shirts with enough sarcasm to start an argument at Thanksgiving. Jewelry that says, “I love you even though your Amazon orders are ruining us.”

Seriously, if you’re not shopping for her birthday on a site that proudly sells a necklace called The Naughty Knot, are you even trying?

Look, married life with a family is loud, messy, exhausting, and at least 50% fart jokes. But there’s something weirdly beautiful about surviving the chaos together.

You’ll fight over stupid shit. You’ll both smell vaguely of Goldfish crackers and broken dreams. But when your kid laughs at one of your dad jokes, or your wife looks at you like you're not completely useless, you’ll remember why you signed up for this fucked up circus in the first place.

Now go hug your wife. Or spank them. Dealer’s choice.

Wanna see more? Subscribe to The Unruly Blog for the latest NSFW husband humor, sarcastic family life, inappropriate gifts for couples, adult humor, funny dad stuff, dark humor parenting and so much more.

Wanna spice up your doomed domestic bliss? Check out UnrulyStyle.com for gifts that say, “I love you, but also I want to slap your ass.” 💋

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